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Do you like Star Trek? Well, we love it! And we’ve got a scoop that will make your lightsabers quiver in semi-sexual anticipation!

Surprise! Originally posted over on Ain’t It Cool, these pictures give fans a sneak peek at Star Trek XI, which will be warp driving into theaters May 2009. The pics are top secret, so if Paramount says anything make sure to tell them these aren’t the droids they’re looking for!

“A plain horse, for plain John Adams.”

Better late than never, right? I’ve come to the conclusion that HBO is the best cable network EVAR. With networks like Showtime and even AMC biting at their heels, HBO delivers a quality of entertainment that you’re really not going to find anywhere else. Especially now, with shows like The Sopranos and The Wire having joined the ranks of the dearly departed, and with the television landscape having gone nutty nuts in the past few years, big productions are what it takes to snag viewers. Luckily, John Adams delivers. In fact, you could say, it’s revolutionary! Oh I hate myself.

Adams takes a look at America’s second president unlike anything we’ve seen on-screen. And unlike coach whoever’s class in high school, you actually come away feeling like you’ve learned something. In part 1 of a 7-part miniseries, we see Adams begin as a simple, Baystate lawyer who rises through the ranks to become a simple, Baystate lawyer on his way to join the Continental Congress. The journey from point A to point B is interesting, as we see anti-British sentiment rising throughout Boston. Adams’ decision to represent a group of British soldiers charged with massacring innocent civilians shows us both his character and his desire to see justice served. The fact that the soldiers weren’t found guilty and strung up shows us exactly how good a lawyer he was. After the trial, Adams, having made a name for himself, is singled out by the British and Revolutionaries both as someone they want on their side. Of course, we know who Adams chose to go with.

The production value here is fantastic. And that’s all around, costumes, sets, FX. As far as Revolutionary War-era films go, you won’t see anything that looks better than this. Of course, there aren’t that many to choose from, but still. Paul Giamatti and Laura Linney are brilliant in their performances. In the beginning, their scenes together seem so short, but we get such a sense of how much they relied on each other. So far I’ve really enjoyed Danny Huston as Samuel Adams, a character who seems at once both sinister and benign. Next up is Part 2: Independence. Will Sam Adams finally give the others a taste of that new ale he’s been raving about? Join us next time and find out!

Battlestar is Back(lestar)

The fourth season of Battlestar Galactica is a scant two weeks away, so if you need to get caught up, here’s a video that recaps the series to this point. Of course, if you don’t watch the show, stop reading this right now and run back to your big, dumb, homo Lipstick Jungle.

In other Battlestar-related news, the SCIFI Channel announced at their upfronts this week that they’ve given the greenlight to Caprica, a BSG prequel series that will chronicle events leading up to the First Cylon War. But fans shouldn’t expect a BSG rip-off. In a recent interview, executive-producer Ron Moore said, “If Battlestar Galactica is Black Hawk Down, I would say that Caprica is American Beauty.” At this point, it hasn’t been confirmed whether or not Bill Adama will leave his wife to cheat with Starbuck’s 16-year-old best friend.

Starting April 4th, you’ll be able to find recaps of each new episode right here, because we don’t want our readership to shrivel up and die once Lost goes into re-runs.

LOSTWATCH!! – “Meet Kevin Johnson.”

Lost fans were blindsided tonight, as it was FINALLY revealed that Ben’s mysterious informant on the freighter was in fact Michael, the punk who sold out his friends to escape the island, but not before shooting both Libby, who we loved, and Anna Lucia, who we immediately forgave him for. Ben told Michael that if he followed an exact compass heading, he’d eventually find America. The exact details of that fateful trip are still unknown. All we see is the aftermath inside…

… the name on the street for the Oswald State Correctional Facility.

Lies. Regret. Michael lies in his cell asking himself how he got to this point. He’s let down his friends, but more importantly, his family. Now Walt’s joined the Homeboys and won’t talk to him. Michael goes to McManus and asks if he can visit his son in the Hole. McManus tells him that he’s tired of his crap, but that he hasn’t given up on him yet, and no, he can’t visit Walt. As Michael leaves, he takes one last look back, and can just spy his son watching him. Malcolm David Kelly’s age has gotten to be a problem in recent years, but at least it can’t get any worse.

Michael’s about to hit the gym with Beecher when McManus tells him he’s got a visitor. It’s Tom, who’s uncharacteristically light in the loafers.

Michael: You! What do you want?

Tom: Oh hey Tom, how are you? How’sth the island? Oh great Michael, thanksth.

Michael: How did you find me?

Tom: LOL. We let you go sthilly-buns. Did you seriously think we wouldn’t be keeping tabsth? ^__^

Tom tells Michael about the fake Flight 815 wreckage and says that he’s got one chance at getting out of Oz alive. Infiltrate Charles Widmore’s boat, which is getting ready to set sail for Lost island. Michael agrees, but he doesn’t like it. Tom stages a prison riot and Michael escapes through one of Busmalis’s tunnels. When we see him again he’s no longer Michael Dawson but mild-mannered deckhand Kevin Johnson. When he gets to the freighter, Naomi tells him he’s got a package the lads have just unloaded off the lorrie. It’s from Tom. “Wait a day or two before opening it,” he says. “Until then, enjoy Fiji. I spent a week there one night, if you catch me.” When Michael finally opens the package he finds enough C4 to kill everyone on the ship ten times before they hit the ground. He takes the bomb down to the engine room, sets it up, and…

Ever since Oz, Michael’s been so wound up. This was Tom’s way of telling him to relax. He’s on a boat in the middle of the south Pacific, for Heaven’s sake. He should enjoy himself. Michael laughs and decides to hit the shuffleboard court. He goes up top, where he finds the Tremor brothers shooting things with semi-automatic weapons.

Michael: Hey fellas, I thought this was a rescue mission.

Jeeves: Don’t you have something to mop?

Michael: What?! I ain’t your damn field ******. You lucky ’cause I’m gonna let that one slide.

Fast-forward to the engine room, where Micheal has been telling this entire story to Sayid and Desmond. Sayid is royally pissed and drags Michael by the scruff of his neck up to House’s office, where he tells the doc that “Kevin Johnson” isn’t “Kevin Johnson” at all! He’s Michael Johns– I mean Dawson! Michael just stands there all like, “Dude, shhhut up.” House sits back and twirls his cane before saying, “Intracranial berry aneurysm.” Sayid doesn’t understand. “It’s what killed Minkowski.” House pops a vicodin then heads over to Cuddy’s office.

Back on the island, John calls a Family Council and tells the kids that he’s sorry he’s been so crazy at work lately, and that no, he and their mother aren’t getting a divorce. Ben uses this opportunity to tell Alex that people are coming to the island and everyone is going to die, and because she’s his daughter, she’s sure to suffer more than anyone else. He tells her to take Carl and go to the Temple, which is right next to Space Mountain inside Tomorrowland. She’ll be safe there. Rousseau is cool with it, but asks if there will be any time to stop and build traps.

On their way, they stop at a concession stand to buy a funnel cake. Carl tells Alex, “Look babe, don’t ever forget — brrbbbllleb!” just as a bullet rips right through his neck, tearing it apart just like a stick of butter would be ripped apart by a bullet. Rousseau looks up from her trap and yells, “It’s a trap!” before being shot herself. With her last breath, she tells Alex to run as fast as she can, to which Alex replies, “I surrender!”

And before we knew it, it was over. Five weeks until the next new episode. It sucks, but is still better than the seven months we’ll have to wait before the start of season 5. We’re down, but not out, so stay tuned to this space for more new (and maybe not so new, *wink*) editions of LOSTWATCH!!

Done One

Keep this on your radar. X-Philes EVERYWHERE are anxiously awaiting the release of the next X-Files picture. Adding to the excitement is a recently-surfaced set of photos that has fanfiction writers all over the world reaching for tissues (and not for the reason you’re thinking of).

Bwaah? Could it be that after all these years, our beloved Mulder and Scully may actually hook up? Are those bottom-feeding fanfiction writers finally being vindicated? The question I’m forced to ask myself is, who would I rather trade places with? If you’ve ever taken a Human Sexuality class you’ll be familiar with the theory that people aren’t completely hetero- or homosexual. This is known as the Chicks/****s Ratio, and is illustrated by the following graphic (right). While the typical male would be, say, 80% heterosexual, the remaining 20% would be attracted to the strong jawline and charmingly self-deprecating humor of David Duchovny. Conversely, while a self-described homosexual male would primarily be attracted to David Duchovny, he finds himself from time to time drawn toward the quiet dignity and move-down-to-the-floor hotness that is Gillian Anderson. As far as the X-Files go, she can expose my government conspiracy anytime.

Who to choose? Such a difficult decision, but at the same time so exciting. Whichever way you swing, the next X-Files movie is sure to offer you something you can fantasize about be great.

The X-Files 2 is due out on July 25th.

Arthur C. Clarke: 1917-2008

We’ve lost a giant. Arthur C. Clarke was one of the Founding Fathers of science fiction and the author of such classics as 2001, Rendezvous with Rama and Childhood’s End. He passed away at his home in Sri Lanka after breathing complications. He was 90 years old.

PANDAWATCH!! – “I need another panda.”

“We now go to Brian Fantana, with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian.”

Pandawatch! Moods are tense as Lost fans everywhere begin the slow recovery process from one of the biggest mindf***s in the show’s impressive twenty year run. Jin, dead somehow. Sun, dating Hurley. We’ve seen flashbacks and we’ve seen flashforwards, but never before have we been so thoroughly and painfully double-teamed. One has to wonder, did Hurley kill Jin in an attempt to steal his wife? Is Hurley really the father of Sun’s newborn daughter? Is Jin one of the Oceanic Six? Why am I still so confused? Thanks for nothing, Lost jerks!

“Great story, Brian. Compelling, and rich.”

And now, LOSTWATCH!!

On the freighter, Desmond and Sayid have been left to rot inside their room, passing the time any way they can.

Sayid: Okay, if you were trapped on a desert island–

Desmond: Shut up.

After a few days, Dr. Ray tells them the captain wants to see them. Just who is the captain, you ask? None other than House MD. He pulls his usual tricks, but is more forthcoming than you’d think.

Desmond: Who’s boot is this, brutha?

House: It belongs to one Charles Widmore. Don’t worry, he didn’t come out here looking for you. Now get over to Minkowski’s house and see if you can find anything strange under his sink or in the toolshed out back.

House twirls his cane and passes out from taking too many Vicodin. A nice enough fellow perhaps, but Sayid and Desmond are still unsure what to think, because of a mysterious note that was passed to them during homeroom.

Dr. Ray takes them to their room, and this is where things get awesome. We’ve been waiting for weeks to find out who Ben’s man on the boat is. Fans everywhere had their theories. Subtle hints were dropped. Those who listen to the Official LOST Podcast knew that this week we’d finally get answers. Dr. Ray shows Sayid and Desmond their room, which looks like something out of Silent Hill. Noticing a big, disgusting blood stain on the wall, he calls for a lone figure mopping the floor at the far end of the hallway.

Ray: Hey Dawson, I mean, Johnson, get over here. Clean up all this blood that’s mysteriously smeared around for some reason.

Michael: Oh, right away massah. I clean it up right nice fo’yuh.

Ray: Well, I didn’t mean–

Michael: I know what you meant. Get the hell out of my face, stupid cracker. I’m goin’ up top.

Unfortunately, the identity of Ben’s spy remains unknown. As does almost everything else about the freighter.

Back on the island, since nobody’s being shot at or chased or beaten, the castaways are catching up on some much needed R&R. All except Sun and Jin, that is. With the possibility of rescue becoming more and more unlikely, they’ve decided to defect to Locke’s camp on Snake Mountain. Juliet, who just wants everyone to like her, will have none of it. She begs and pleads with Sun to stay, telling her that if she leaves, her and her unborn child won’t survive. Sun tells Juliette to get bent, and that she could never make Jack as happy as Kate could. To get back at her, Juliette tells Jin about the time Sun was totally schlepping around behind his back, and Sun is all standing there, and Juliette is like, “That’s how I roll.” And right then, Bernard runs into the middle of things and says, “Hey Sun, I overheard something about you cheating… on… Jin…? Oooooh, sorryyyy.” Of course, Jin is a better man than I am and totally forgives her, lending credence to the theory that Asian people are better than everyone.

Man, we sure did have some fun this episode, didn’t we? Yeah, we did. So let’s ruin it all in the last five minutes. Sun, her new daughter, and Hurley go to a cemetery to visit who? Jin. Who’s dead. Not really sure what happened after that, because I couldn’t hear the TV over my crying. Why did Jin have to die? Will Sun recover? Will I recover? Will Hurley have to wait long before putting the moves on Sun? Dry your eyes, and join us next week for LOSTWATCH!!

Join or Die, pt. 2

Here’s the full trailer for HBO’s John Adams miniseries, which documents the exciting (sexy?) story of America’s second president. John Adams starts this Sunday night.

Could it be?

Nobody talks about or remembers The Sopranos anymore, but that could all change according to a rumor that popped up in the Baltimore Sun yesterday:

The manager of Satin Dolls, the Lodi, N.J., nightclub known to Soprano fans as the infamous Bada Bing, says Tony Soprano and his crew could be smoking cigars at their favorite gentleman’s club once again – to film a Sopranos movie.

Nick D’Urso said renovations were put on hold after the club received a phone call about plans for a feature film version of New Jersey’s favorite crime family. D’Urso refused to say who contacted him, but he insists the information is legit.

“I got an inside tip that they’re going to do a movie, so I don’t want to make any major changes,” D’Urso said Wednesday. “I’m not going to reveal my sources, but we got a call from somebody [working] on the script.”

An HBO spokeswoman replied to D’Urso’s claims with a firm “no comment”.

I have a feeling there’s no truth at all to this. I thought the series wrapped up nicely in the finale. Do we need a Sopranos movie? What do you guys think?

LOSTWATCH!! – “Tales of Ribaldry”

Hello, and welcome to Tales of Ribaldry! I’m your host, Evelyn Quince. Tonight, we have a particularly randy tale of a philandering chemical engineer who finds himself under the care of a wanton fertility doctor. Will she use her powders and elixirs to restore his health? Methinks he may require medicine of a different sort! Let’s watch!

Juliette: Oh excuse me! Excuse me! Sir?

Goodwin: Hello doctor. Apologies. I thought I was alone.

Juliette: Oh my, you’ve hurt yourself. Look. Your arm is red and swollen.

Goodwin: I must be in need of medical attention. I’m beginning to notice another swelling of the extremities as we speak.

Juliette: Oh my!

Oooh! I’m blushing like a schoolgirl! Imagine, the doctor, isolated and alone on a mysterious island. Desperate for affection, she turns to the able-bodied chemical engineer. Will they set out to solve the island’s mysteries together, or will they be content investigating the mysteries of the flesh? Such passion! Such excitement! Such delightful debauchery!

Juliette: Oh Goodwin, won’t you join me for a swim?

Goodwin: In a moment, love. Come. Have a glass of wine.

Juliette: Ahh, the perfect day! Made all the more perfect by the absence of your wife! Haha!

Goodwin: Haha!

Such delicious infidelity! But this episode does beg the question, where, pray tell, is the engineer’s therapist wife? Out making house calls while her husband undergoes therapy of another sort? Oh the rrribaldry is almost too much to bear!

Harper: I know what you’ve done, Juliette! Sleeping with my husband like some common trollop!

Juliette: Why so surprised? Rather than go wanting, your husband sought satisfaction with me! ‘Twas no fault of my own.

Harper: Harlot!

Rrrreeeeeerrrrrrr! Hssssss! Of course, the most ribald tales involve not only another woman, but another man as well. Slighted by his friend, he pines for his love, and plots his revenge! Deliciously dangerous? Indeeed!

Ben: You are mine, Juliette! You belong to me!

Juliette: Wrong Benjamin. I am a woman, and belong to no man. Besides, I belong to Goodwin!

Ben: I’m afraid your tawdry affair with the late Master Goodwin is quite at an end.

Juliette: The late Goodwin? What do you mean?

Ben: Don’t you know? He was run through… by my own sword!

What? This won’t do at all. Our bawdy tale has been transformed into one of murder and villainy! Hmmph! No matter. Join me next week when our tale will be that of Desmond Hume and the Nobelman’s Daughter. The Scotsman’s erotic adventure definitely proves that old Scottish dictum, ’empty barrels make the most noise’! How delightfully suggestive! I can hardly wait! Until then, I’m Evelyn Quince. Goodbye everybody, goodbye!