Monthly Archives: May 2008

LOSTWATCH!! – “We’re going to move the island.”

We hope you enjoyed getting hit upside the head with all that LOST as much as we did last night. So, please enjoy these special finale editions of LOSTWATCH!!

They’ve done it. After four years three months of fighting and struggling and watching their friends die, the Oceanic 6 have made it off the island. They’re on a cargo plane flying to another island in the south Pacific for a big press conference, because nothing is quite as entertaining as the pain and suffering of others. Jack’s giving them a pep-talk before they land.

Jack: Just stick to the story. And remember, rats get the pipe. You feel me?

When they land, their families are all waiting for them. Mr. Paik and his thugs, Jack’s mom who’s appeared out of nowhere (and who must really miss her husband) and Hurley’s stereotypical Mexican mom. Kate and Sayid hang back while everyone ignores them. At the press conference, they’re bombarded with questions: Why does Hurley look so healthy (read fat) after three months on a deserted island? Is it possible others have survived? What the hell was that smoke monster thing? Who was in the coffin? What coffin?

On the island, the castaways are surprised to see the chopper fly overhead. But instead of landing, a package is thrown over the side. It’s the sat-phone. Jack asks Faraday if he can do anything with it. Faraday picks it up and holds it to his forehead.

Faraday: Hmm. Science tells me that they’re headed that way. Maybe you all should check it out and I’ll hold things down here with Charlotte. And maybe we’ll hold one or two more things down, if you catch me.

Jack packs his guts back into his stomach and sets off with Kate to find them. Before long they stumble into Miles and Sawyer. Kate’s shocked to see Sawyer with Aaron. Jack tells Kate to take him back to beach while him and Sawyer head off into the jungle to have a scruffy voice and panting contest. Kate, who’s fallen victim to her throbbing biological urges, is only too happy to. Meanwhile, Sayid has reached the island to ferry all those other castaways no one cares about back to the freighter. When he hears Jack and Sawyer are off chasing the chopper, he and Kate go after them.

In the future, Sun goes to see her father, who spends long days at the office yelling at people. He wasn’t expecting a visit from his daughter.

Mr. Paik: Hahaha! Ignorant donkey-faced woman, why are you not at home, tending to the cooking of foodstuffs and the cleaning of floors?

Sun: This morning I purchased a controlling interest in your company. Now it is you who will respect me.

Mr. Paik: Now it is you who shall feel the wrath of my samurai blade!

Hurley comes home to find his house deserted. He reaches into his waistband and pulls his glock. Before he can take anybody out, surprise! It’s a birthday party! Cheech thought it would be a funny joke to have the party be luau-themed.

Cheech: Hey, you guys thinking about starting a fire or hunting some boar? *snort*

Sayid: Or burying all our friends who died? You ASS.

Jack is finally able to eulogize his dad. After the wake, he’s approached by a woman who claims to be his father’s other woman, and she delivers a shocking revelation! It seems Jack had a half-sister who was also on Flight 815. What was her name? Clea. Cleo? No, Clee-ah. Clive? No, Klee-aaah-air. Ohh. Claire.

After Sayid took off into the jungle, Faraday helped bring the extras back to the freighter. Sun and Jin were in the first batch. Once they’re there, they find a face they never expected to see again. Michael. Sun asks if he’s working for Ben.

Michael: Nah, man. I’m like, no. I’m not working for, ‘ole, whatsisface.

Before things can get too awkward, Desmond runs out and says that there’s a bomb hooked up to the freighter’s engines. Jin tells Sun to tell their daughter that her father loved her very much. That’s a little cryptic, but what could possibly go wrong, right?

Locke, Ben and Hurley have reached the Orchid. They’re hiding from the freighter folk, who are already swarming the place. Ben, always the man with plan, give Locke instructions. He needs to walk straight ahead twenty paces, turn right, head for the fifth elevator, in case it doesn’t work, take the third or the sixth, but NOT the first. Go down three levels, stop, go out fifty paces, take the second left into the science lab, activate the monitors and the teleportation pad, the instruction manuals are in the third drawer. It’d be good to try everything on one of those numbered bunnies first, but if they’re all dead because no one’s been around to feed them for the past five years it’s not the end of the— ah s**t, Keamy found them.

Holy crap isn’t this exciting! Stay tuned for the stunning conclusion!

LOSTWATCH!! – “I’m not making any sense, am I?”

We begin in 1955, with Emily Locke swinging and hand-jiving all over her bedroom. When her mom walks in and asks her what she’s doing, Emily says that she’s going out with HIM, and that they’ll probably spend the entire night in an opium den fornicating each other. Upset, her mom chases her out into the rain, where Emily is promptly mowed down by a Buick, made by patriotic Americans in the good ole’ U.S. of A. Even though cars in the fifties were made of cast iron and bricks, Emily escapes with only a few cuts and bruises and a baby. Whaaaaa??

Flash forward. In the jungle, comical antics ensue as Locke, Ben and Hurley just can’t seem to find Jacob’s cabin. “Hey, I was following you!” “Well if you’re in front, and we’re following from behind–” “But I thought you… oh boy!” Ben pokes Hurley’s eyes who slaps Locke’s bald head.

Keamy and the rest of the Joes make it back to the freighter, albeit a little worse for wear. When the doc asks what happened to a member of their team, Keamy says that Lostzilla attacked them and ripped his guts out, then he puts a gun to his head and tells him to put his guts back in. When Captain House comes on deck, Keamy puts a gun to his head and asks if it was him who sold out their team to Ben.

House: You’re obviously suffering from some sort of delusional parasitosis.

Then he twirls his cane and pops a vicodin. He takes Keamy down to see Michael. When Keamy puts a gun to his head, Michael says, “I was just trying to help mah boy.” Sayid uses this opportunity to steal a boat and head back to the island.

In the jungle, Locke wakes up to the sound of someone chopping wood. Exploring a little bit, he finds Horace, the hippy-dippy guy who welcomed Ben to the island right after he graduated from Hogwarts.

Horace: You got to find me Lock–ah dammit I’m bleeding.

Locke leads Ben and Hurley to the mass grave where Ben dumped all the Dharma folks, including his Uncle Rico, who Ben killed after Rico threw a steak in his face. Locke jumps into the pile of rotting corpses like it ain’t no thang and rummages around until he finds a treasure map marking the location of Jacob’s cabin.

In his flashbacks, we find that Locke is some sort of wunderkind who’s been watched his entire life by the likes of Richard Alpert and Desmond Mobay. Alpert, because he thinks Locke may be their next leader. He visits a nine-year-old Locke, and spreads a few things out on the table in front of him. Included are a knife, a Playboy magazine, a Bible, a pack of cigarettes, a ottle of Crown Royale, and some fireworks. Alpert asks Little Johnny Locke which of these things belong to him. His answer is a little depressing.

Little Johnny Locke: I like tohtles.

Desmond Mobay, because he’s needs Locke’s help after killing an undercover cop.

Locke: Look, I just want to go back to my room.

Mobay: Locke mon, ‘ya gotta get me in good wid de bad’guys, ‘yafeelmee brudda?

Finally, our heroes find Jacob’s cabin. When Locke goes inside, he finds Jacob who promptly answers all his questions about the island. Oh wait, that never happened. Jacob’s cabin is under new management, namely Christian Shephard and Claire, who’s just happy that she finally has something to do. Locke gets right to the point.

Locke: How do we get our hands on more of that ranch dressing Hurley likes so much?

Christian tells Locke that he’s an idiot. When he finally emerges from the cabin, Ben can hardly contain himself. “Did he tell you what we’re supposed to do?” he asks.

Locke: He did.

Ben: Well?

Locke: He wants us to move the island.

Ben/Hurley: Here we go again!

Almost done! Be back tomorrow for this season’s exciting conclusion!

FRAK ATTACK!! – “Bad. This is really bad.”

We open up on the Demetrius, two months into her mission to find Earth. Helo’s telling Starbuck that they’re due to meet the Galactica soon. Starbuck motions him over and shows him a starchart.

Helo: Starbuck, we’ve searched these grids twice already. You really think we’re going to find something this time?

Starbuck: Oh no. There’s no way we’ll find anything. But we just might find something.

Helo: ??

Back on the Galatica, Tyrol’s jumping rope. He realizes that with Cally gone, nobody’s going to want a bald, overweight ex-hangar chief who’s now been relegated to changing lightbulbs. Nicky’s been neglected and crawls around in a diaper that hasn’t been changed in two weeks.

Starbuck and Hot Dog are out exploring when they pick up a Cylon Heavy Raider on DRADIS. It’s Leoben, who tells Starbuck that it really is him. He’s been to Earth, and he’s going to take them here. What? Why the hell should we have to wait a year to find out what happens? Leoben comes aboard the Demetrius and tells Starbuck that she needs to see the Hybrid. She’s been to Earth, and she’s going to take them there.

Tory has a habit of finding members of the Tyrol family standing alone in viper launch tubes. That’s where she finds the chief, contemplating the strange circumstances surrounding his wife’s death.

Tory: You don’t want to do this. Galen, he’s your son.

Tyrol: What?

Tory: Oh, I’m sorry. I was thinking of something else. So… what’s up?

On the Demetrius, Anders walks in to find Starbuck and Leoben listening to Unchained Melody and making pottery. Anders goes totally bats**t and slams Leoben up against a wall. Leoben proposes an alliance between the Cylons and the Colonials. Anders flexes his muscles and is all like, “As if.”

Tyrol takes a trip down to Baltar’s lair to listen to one of his sermons. Baltar spots him and says that if Cally were here, she would want the two of them to be friends. As Tyrol leaves, Baltar calls out, “If you’d like, I can tell you about a few other things your wife, ‘liked’.” *snicker* Tyrol crushes his windpipe.

Leoben’s heavy raider blows up, killing sergeant Mathias, who was out there walking around on it for some reason. Starbuck flips out, which seems to be getting popular on the Demetrius. She goes down and takes it out of Leoben. Starbuck asks him what happened to her during the two months she was gone.

Leoben: You’re an angel, and you’re going to lead your people home.

Starbuck: Oh yeah well I guess I can see-bwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh?!

Baltar feels real bad for what he said to Tyrol, so he goes down to his quarters to apologize for the whole thing. He says he’s sorry, then talks about his plans for when they get to Earth and he even reads a little from a screenplay he’s writing. Tyrol’s asleep and misses the whole thing.

Starbuck comes out from her cave to ramble a little bit about Mathias and and duty and honor, and how everything will be alright once they hook up with Leoben’s basestar.

Helo: Oh well I guess that sounds pretty goo-bwaaaaaaaaaahhhhh?!

What will happen next time? Stay tuned over the next few weeks as I struggle to catch up with FRAK ATTACK!!

“So did the better man win?”

With the democratic primary season (hopefully) drawing to a close, and with a potentially nasty general election upon us, now seemed like the perfect time to pick at the giant scab that is the 2000 Presidential Election. Recount is the latest from HBO Films which recounts (zing!) the entire George Bush/Al Gore fiasco. The movie sports an all-star cast, including Kevin Spacey, Laura Dern and Tom Wilkinson.

Recount accomplishes what more than a month of around the clock reporting failed to do: it lays out the entire process in a way you can actually understand, albeit with a decidedly liberal bias. But while we all know how this story ends, Recount will still glue you to your television screen, almost hoping that somehow it’ll all play out differently this time. Spacey stars as Ron Klain, Al Gore’s former chief of staff who heads up his effort to challenge the Florida election results. On the opposite side of the aisle is Tom Wilkinson as James Baker, Bush Senior’s former Secretary of State who does everything he can to stand in his way.

Delivering one of the movie’s finest (funniest?) performances is Laura Dern as Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, a woman who only years ago was “teaching the Chicken Dance to seniors” and who is now excited to be right smack in the center of the national spotlight. Ed Begley Jr., Bob Balaban and Dennis Leary round out the cast.

Politicos and fans of shows like The West Wing are going to have a lot of fun here. Suspense plays throughout as Gore’s camp races against the clock to get ballots in contested Florida counties recounted, or in some cases, counted at all. Republicans and all three or four fans of the Bush Administration will no doubt feel frustration at being painted as political slimeballs, resorting to harassment and intimidation to stop them. Of course, none of that will compare to frustration felt by Democrats, who will only view this as more evidence of an election that was stolen from it’s rightful winner. Iraq, rising food and gas prices and a tanking economy makes sure the salt is rubbed in nice and deep.

The film ends with Bush’s victory speech, in which he promises to earn the respect and trust of the American public, including those who didn’t vote for him. This forces us to ask ourselves the same question Spacey asks Wilkinson after the Supreme Court hands down it’s unprecedented, and some would say unbelievable, verdict, “Did the better man win?”

I love the political stuff, so Recount was right up my alley. But, as said, this movie will probably alienate some. But who cares, right? It was great anyway.

8 out of 10 stars

5 Things We Love About Movies With Guns – Layer Cake

We’re on a British gangster high over here, so this week we take a look at Matthew Vaughn’s film…

1. Chief Miles O’Brien

We here at The Move are big Star Trek fans, so it’s always nice to see one of the actors go on to do something that’s not a Lifetime movie of the week.

2. Morty beating the hell out of Freddy.

Everybody likes a good, old fashioned beat down. This one was especially satisfying after we learned that the dirty bum who walks around with bits of his breakfast on his shirt and asks people for money is the guy who got Morty stuck in prison for ten years.

3. Michael Gambon’s line to Daniel Craig.

“You’re born, you take s**t. You get out in the world, you take more s**t. You climb a little higher, you take less s**t. ‘Till one day you’re up in the rarefied atmosphere and you’ve forgotten what s**t even looks like. Welcome to the layer cake, son.”

Of course, Michael Gambon could have sung Enya songs and it still would have sounded cool.

4. Tammy.

What is it that makes hot women want to hang out with the bad guys, leaving everyone else out in the cold? We’re not sure, but we’re looking into it.

5. The dignified, glamorous gangster lifestyle.

Seriously, that cake looks awesome. If we could all wear nice clothes and eat at expensive country clubs and never get caught for our more clandestine activities, we’d all sell drugs. Probably in England.

Normally that would be the end, but since our readers have had to go without for two whole weeks…

6. Red shirts.

We all want to roll with the big dogs, but we can’t all be as cool as Daniel Craig. These guys are too goofy for their own good and scream out, “I’m going to die!” from their very first scene.

We hope you enjoyed this week’s 5 Things, and remember, cocaine is bad. Until next week.

Ideas for future articles? Send them to fuggidup@yahoo.com.

“This ain’t gonna be easy.”

No, it’s not gonna be easy, because with movies like these, people’s expectations are huge. And too often, impossible to meet.

You think of movies like Ghostbusters, Back to the Future or [insert favorite movie here] and say, “Man, wouldn’t it be awesome if they made another one of those?” We want more, even though we know that sequels operate alongside a sort of law of diminishing returns, where the new can never really live up to the old. Sadly, the same is true of the latest Indy flick. Although the movie has a lot going for it, you’re going to have to eat your fair share of cheese to get to it.

When you think about it, there’s really a lot of material out there for new Indiana Jones stories. There’s Atlantis, or Excalibur, or the Book of Secrets (screw you National Treasure!). So it was strange to see this movie lean so much on science fiction. It was an interesting idea, and kind of cool to learn that Indy played a part in the Roswell crash, but it didn’t seem very consistent with the tone set by the previous films. The half-naked natives and snakes we can handle. The alien from The Arrival shooting laser beams into Cate Blanchett’s skull maybe not so much.

One thing I definitely could have done without was the overabundance of cutesy humor. There are moments that are genuinely funny, but after we see Shia LaBeouf swashbuckling with Cate Banchett while balancing on two jeeps speeding through the jungle, only to get caught in a tree and start swinging from vines with a group of monkeys, I kind of broke into a cold sweat. There was a five year old kid a few rows ahead of us who got a big kick out of it though. Seriously, he wouldn’t shut up about it.

On the technical side of things, I wasn’t a huge fan of the way the movie was shot. I felt that stylistically, it was too big a departure from the other Indy films. Although it wasn’t a green screen gang bang like the Star Wars prequels, there were too many scenes that oozed Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. My wife said that in some places it looked like they were filming a stage production. Some of the sets and costumes seemed too new, too clean. Not worn and lived in and authentic like the previous films.

Like I said before, the movie does have a lot going for it. Obviously some big names. It’s clean, which is a quality lacking in so many films today. And it is a lot of fun just to see Indiana Jones back on the big screen. Harrison Ford scores some points in his portrayal of an aging Dr. Jones. That whole aspect was handled very well, I thought.

In the end, the latest Indy installment will make hundreds of millions of dollars, and we’ll soon be hearing news of another sequel. George Lucas has already dropped hints of future Indiana films being handed over to Shia LaBeouf. Although if they’re released under the title, “Mutt Williams and Blah of the Blah Blah Blah”, I’ll never set foot inside a theater to see them.

Screw it. Go check this one out in the theaters. It’s a nice, clean, summer movie that’ll make you nostalgic for days past. And this movie is still way better than National Treasure. Keep your expectations reasonable (yeah, I know) and you’ll have a real good time.

6.7 (I’m so torn!) out of 10 stars

And we’re back!

Vacation is over and it’s time to get back to work. Please be patient as we catch up with LOSTWATCH!!, FRAK ATTACK!!, 5 Things and other articles no one reads.

In other news, we found out that our janitor, Rick, was using Move It Move It HQ as a fornication den while we were away. He’s been fired for gross incompetence.