The 2009 Oscar Winners

Here’s something you won’t find anywhere else, the winners from last night’s Academy Awards! But first, a couple of our favorite moments from the show. Enjoy!

Now, the winners…

BEST PICTURE:
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), A Kennedy/Marshall Production, Kathleen Kennedy, Frank Marshall and Ceán Chaffin, Producers
Frost/Nixon (Universal), A Universal Pictures, Imagine Entertainment and Working Title Production,Brian Grazer, Ron Howard and Eric Fellner, Producers
Milk (Focus Features), A Groundswell and Jinks/Cohen Company Production, Dan Jinks and Bruce Cohen, Producers
The Reader (The Weinstein Company), A Mirage Enterprises and Neunte Babelsberg Film GmbH Production, Nominees to be determined
Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), A Celador Films Production,Christian Colson, Producer

DIRECTING:
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), David Fincher
Frost/Nixon (Universal), Ron Howard
Milk (Focus Features), Gus Van Sant
The Reader (The Weinstein Company), Stephen Daldry
Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Danny Boyle

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE:
Richard Jenkins – The Visitor (Overture Films)
Frank Langella – Frost/Nixon (Universal)
Sean Penn – Milk (Focus Features)
Brad Pitt – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.)
Mickey Rourke – The Wrestler (Fox Searchlight)

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE:
Anne Hathaway – Rachel Getting Married (Sony Pictures Classics)
Angelina Jolie – Changeling (Universal)
Melissa Leo – Frozen River (Sony Pictures Classics)
Meryl Streep – Doubt (Miramax)
Kate Winslet – The Reader (The Weinstein Company)

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE:
Josh Brolin – Milk (Focus Features)
Robert Downey Jr. – Tropic Thunder (DreamWorks, Distributed by DreamWorks/Paramount)
Philip Seymour Hoffman – Doubt (Miramax)
Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.)
Michael Shannon – Revolutionary Road (DreamWorks, Distributed by Paramount Vantage)

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE:
Amy Adams – Doubt (Miramax)
Penélope Cruz – Vicky Cristina Barcelona (The Weinstein Company)
Viola Davis – Doubt (Miramax)
Taraji P. Henson – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.)
Marisa Tomei – The Wrestler (Fox Searchlight)

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Screenplay by Eric Roth, Screen story by Eric Roth and Robin Swicord
Doubt (Miramax), Written by John Patrick Shanley
Frost/Nixon (Universal), Screenplay by Peter Morgan
The Reader (The Weinstein Company), Screenplay by David Hare
Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Screenplay by Simon Beaufoy

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
Frozen River (Sony Pictures Classics), Written by Courtney Hunt
Happy-Go-Lucky (Miramax), Written by Mike Leigh
In Bruges (Focus Features), Written by Martin McDonagh
Milk (Focus Features), Written by Dustin Lance Black
WALL-E (Walt Disney), Screenplay by Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, Original story by Andrew Stanton, Pete Docter

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM:
The Baader Meinhof Complex A Constantin Film Production, Germany
The Class (Sony Pictures Classics), A Haut et Court Production, France
Departures (Regent Releasing), A Departures Film Partners Production, Japan
Revanche (Janus Films), A Prisma Film/Fernseh Production, Austria
Waltz with Bashir (Sony Pictures Classics), A Bridgit Folman Film Gang Production, Israel

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM:
Bolt (Walt Disney), Chris Williams and Byron Howard
Kung Fu Panda (DreamWorks Animation, Distributed by Paramount), John Stevenson and Mark Osborne
WALL-E (Walt Disney), Andrew Stanton

ART DIRECTION:
Changeling (Universal), Art Direction: James J. Murakami, Set Decoration: Gary Fettis
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Art Direction: Donald Graham Burt, Set Decoration: Victor J. Zolfo
The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.), Art Direction: Nathan Crowley, Set Decoration: Peter Lando
The Duchess (Paramount Vantage, Pathé and BBC Films), Art Direction: Michael Carlin, Set Decoration: Rebecca Alleway
Revolutionary Road (DreamWorks, Distributed by Paramount Vantage), Art Direction: Kristi Zea, Set Decoration: Debra Schutt

CINEMATOGRAPHY:
Changeling (Universal), Tom Stern
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Claudio Miranda
The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.), Wally Pfister
The Reader (The Weinstein Company), Chris Menges and Roger Deakins
Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Anthony Dod Mantle

COSTUME DESIGN:
Australia (20th Century Fox), Catherine Martin
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Jacqueline West
The Duchess (Paramount Vantage, Pathé and BBC Films), Michael O’Connor
Milk (Focus Features), Danny Glicker
Revolutionary Road (DreamWorks, Distributed by Paramount Vantage), Albert Wolsky

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE:
The Betrayal (Nerakhoon) (Cinema Guild), A Pandinlao Films Production, Ellen Kuras and Thavisouk Phrasavath
Encounters at the End of the World (THINKFilm and Image Entertainment), A Creative Differences Production, Werner Herzog and Henry Kaiser
The Garden A Black Valley Films Production, Scott Hamilton Kennedy
Man on Wire (Magnolia Pictures), A Wall to Wall Production, James Marsh and Simon Chinn
Trouble the Water (Zeitgeist Films), An Elsewhere Films Production, Tia Lessin and Carl Deal

FILM EDITING:
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall
The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.), Lee Smith
Frost/Nixon (Universal), Mike Hill and Dan Hanley
Milk (Focus Features), Elliot Graham
Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Chris Dickens

MAKEUP:
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Greg Cannom
The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.), John Caglione, Jr. and Conor O’Sullivan
Hellboy II: The Golden Army (Universal), Mike Elizalde and Thom Floutz

ORIGINAL SCORE:
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Alexandre Desplat
Defiance (Paramount Vantage), James Newton Howard
Milk (Focus Features), Danny Elfman
Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), A.R. Rahman
WALL-E (Walt Disney), Thomas Newman

ORIGINAL SONG:
“Down to Earth” from WALL-E (Walt Disney), Music by Peter Gabriel and Thomas Newman, Lyric by Peter Gabriel
“Jai Ho” from Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Music by A.R. Rahman, Lyric by Gulzar
“O Saya” from Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Music and Lyric by A.R. Rahman and Maya Arulpragasam

SOUND MIXING:
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), David Parker, Michael Semanick, Ren Klyce and Mark Weingarten
The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.), Lora Hirschberg, Gary Rizzo and Ed Novick
Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Ian Tapp, Richard Pryke and Resul Pookutty
WALL-E (Walt Disney),Tom Myers, Michael Semanick and Ben Burtt
Wanted (Universal), Chris Jenkins, Frank A. Montaño and Petr Forejt

SOUND EDITING:
The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.), Richard King
Iron Man (Paramount and Marvel Entertainment), Frank Eulner and Christopher Boyes
Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight), Tom Sayers
WALL-E (Walt Disney), Ben Burtt and Matthew Wood
Wanted (Universal),Wylie Stateman

VISUAL EFFECTS:
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount and Warner Bros.), Eric Barba, Steve Preeg, Burt Dalton and Craig Barron
The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.), Nick Davis, Chris Corbould, Tim Webber and Paul Franklin
Iron Man (Paramount and Marvel Entertainment), John Nelson, Ben Snow, Dan Sudick and Shane Mahan

DOCUMENTARY SHORT:
The Conscience of Nhem En A Farallon Films Production, Steven Okazaki
The Final Inch A Vermilion Films Production, Irene Taylor Brodsky and Tom Grant
Smile Pinki A Principe Production, Megan Mylan
The Witness – From the Balcony of Room 306 A Rock Paper Scissors Production, Adam Pertofsky and Margaret Hyde

ANIMATED SHORT FILM:
La Maison en Petits Cubes A Robot Communications Production, Kunio Kato
Lavatory – Lovestory A Melnitsa Animation Studio and CTB Film Company Production, Konstantin Bronzit
Oktapodi (Talantis Films) A Gobelins, L’école de l’image Production, Emud Mokhberi and Thierry Marchand
Presto (Walt Disney) A Pixar Animation Studios Production, Doug Sweetland
This Way Up A Nexus Production, Alan Smith and Adam Foulkes

LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM:
Auf der Strecke (On the Line) (Hamburg Shortfilmagency), An Academy of Media Arts Cologne Production, Reto Caffi
Manon on the Asphalt (La Luna Productions), A La Luna Production, Elizabeth Marre and Olivier Pont
New Boy (Network Ireland Television), A Zanzibar Films Production, Steph Green and Tamara Anghie
The Pig An M & M Production, Tivi Magnusson and Dorte Høgh
Spielzeugland (Toyland) A Mephisto Film Production, Jochen Alexander Freydank

30 Helens Agree…

… the Kids in the Hall, are, good.

Canadian comedy-troupe The Kids in the Hall are on tour again, and I was able to catch their show at the Paramount Theater here in Austin last night. I remember watching these guys on Comedy Central when I was eleven years old. I didn’t get half the jokes they told, but watching anything on Comedy Central made me feel grown up, and it provided a good break in between Real World marathons on MTV. Here’s a list of tour dates from kithfan.org. Seriously, these guys put the “hilarious” in “hilariously funny”. If they’re playing anywhere near you, you should definitely get out and see them.

Done One

Keep this on your radar. X-Philes EVERYWHERE are anxiously awaiting the release of the next X-Files picture. Adding to the excitement is a recently-surfaced set of photos that has fanfiction writers all over the world reaching for tissues (and not for the reason you’re thinking of).

Bwaah? Could it be that after all these years, our beloved Mulder and Scully may actually hook up? Are those bottom-feeding fanfiction writers finally being vindicated? The question I’m forced to ask myself is, who would I rather trade places with? If you’ve ever taken a Human Sexuality class you’ll be familiar with the theory that people aren’t completely hetero- or homosexual. This is known as the Chicks/****s Ratio, and is illustrated by the following graphic (right). While the typical male would be, say, 80% heterosexual, the remaining 20% would be attracted to the strong jawline and charmingly self-deprecating humor of David Duchovny. Conversely, while a self-described homosexual male would primarily be attracted to David Duchovny, he finds himself from time to time drawn toward the quiet dignity and move-down-to-the-floor hotness that is Gillian Anderson. As far as the X-Files go, she can expose my government conspiracy anytime.

Who to choose? Such a difficult decision, but at the same time so exciting. Whichever way you swing, the next X-Files movie is sure to offer you something you can fantasize about be great.

The X-Files 2 is due out on July 25th.

Join or Die, pt. 2

Here’s the full trailer for HBO’s John Adams miniseries, which documents the exciting (sexy?) story of America’s second president. John Adams starts this Sunday night.

Could it be?

Nobody talks about or remembers The Sopranos anymore, but that could all change according to a rumor that popped up in the Baltimore Sun yesterday:

The manager of Satin Dolls, the Lodi, N.J., nightclub known to Soprano fans as the infamous Bada Bing, says Tony Soprano and his crew could be smoking cigars at their favorite gentleman’s club once again – to film a Sopranos movie.

Nick D’Urso said renovations were put on hold after the club received a phone call about plans for a feature film version of New Jersey’s favorite crime family. D’Urso refused to say who contacted him, but he insists the information is legit.

“I got an inside tip that they’re going to do a movie, so I don’t want to make any major changes,” D’Urso said Wednesday. “I’m not going to reveal my sources, but we got a call from somebody [working] on the script.”

An HBO spokeswoman replied to D’Urso’s claims with a firm “no comment”.

I have a feeling there’s no truth at all to this. I thought the series wrapped up nicely in the finale. Do we need a Sopranos movie? What do you guys think?

I’m f**king Ben Affleck: Best. Video. Ever.

It’s hard to express in words how funny this video is.

And the Oscar goes to…

I got took in the office Oscar pool, but it’s okay. I’m only out two thousand dollars. Tonight was all about Javier Bardem and Daniel Day-Lewis, so I’m going to bed a happy man. Here are this year’s winners…

BEST PICTURE
“Atonement” (Focus Features)
A Working Title Production
Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner and Paul Webster, Producers
“Juno” (Fox Searchlight)
A Dancing Elk Pictures, LLC Production
Lianne Halfon, Mason Novick and Russell Smith, Producers
“Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)
A Clayton Productions, LLC Production
Sydney Pollack, Jennifer Fox and Kerry Orent, Producers
WINNER: “No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)
A Scott Rudin/Mike Zoss Production
Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)
A JoAnne Sellar/Ghoulardi Film Company Production
JoAnne Sellar, Paul Thomas Anderson and Daniel Lupi, Producers

DIRECTOR
Paul Thomas Anderson – “There Will Be Blood”
WINNER: Ethan Coen & Joel Coen – “No Country For Old Men”
Tony Gilroy – “Michael Clayton”
Jason Reitman – “Juno”
Julian Schnabel – “The Diving Bell And The Butterfly”

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
George Clooney in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)
WINNER: Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax)
Johnny Depp in “Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” (DreamWorks and Warner Bros.,
Distributed by DreamWorks/Paramount)
Tommy Lee Jones in “In the Valley of Elah” (Warner Independent)
Viggo Mortensen in “Eastern Promises” (Focus Features)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Cate Blanchett in “Elizabeth: The Golden Age” (Universal)
Julie Christie in “Away from Her” (Lionsgate)
WINNER: Marion Cotillard in “La Vie en Rose” (Picturehouse)
Laura Linney in “The Savages” (Fox Searchlight)
Ellen Page in “Juno” (Fox Searchlight)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There” (The Weinstein Company)
Ruby Dee in “American Gangster” (Universal)
Saoirse Ronan in “Atonement” (Focus Features)
Amy Ryan in “Gone Baby Gone” (Miramax)
WINNER: Tilda Swinton in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Casey Affleck in “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” (Warner Bros.)
WINNER: Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)
Hal Holbrook in “Into the Wild” (Paramount Vantage and River Road Entertainment)
Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Charlie Wilson’s War” (Universal)
Tom Wilkinson in “Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.)

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Brad Bird – “Ratatouille”
WINNER: Diablo Cody – “Juno”
Tony Gilroy – “Michael Clayton”
Tamara Jenkins – “The Savages”
Nancy Oliver – “Lars and the Real Girl”

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Paul Thomas Anderson – “There Will Be Blood”
WINNER: Ethan & Joel Coen – “No Country for Old Men”
Christopher Hampton – “Atonement”
Ronald Harwood – “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”
Sarah Polley – “Away from Her”

COSTUME DESIGN
“Across the Universe” (Sony Pictures Releasing) Albert Wolsky
“Atonement” (Focus Features) Jacqueline Durran
WINNER: “Elizabeth: The Golden Age” (Universal) Alexandra Byrne
“La Vie en Rose” (Picturehouse) Marit Allen
“Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” (DreamWorks and Warner Bros., Distributed by DreamWorks/Paramount)

ANIMATED FEATURE
“Persepolis” – (Sony Pictures Classics) Marjane Satrapi and Vincent Paronnaud
WINNER: “Ratatouille” – (Pixar; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures Distribution) Brad Bird
“Surf’s Up” – (Sony Pictures Releasing) Ash Brannon and Chris Buck

MAKEUP
WINNER: “La Vie en Rose” (Picturehouse) Didier Lavergne and Jan Archibald
“Norbit” (DreamWorks, Distributed by Paramount) Rick Baker and Kazuhiro Tsuji
“Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” (Walt Disney) Ve Neill and Martin Samuel

VISUAL EFFECTS
WINNER:”The Golden Compass” (New Line in association with Ingenious Film Partners) Michael Fink, Bill Westenhofer, Ben Morris and Trevor Wood
“Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” (Walt Disney) John Knoll, Hal Hickel, Charles Gibson and John Frazier
“Transformers” (DreamWorks and Paramount in association with Hasbro) Scott Farrar, Scott Benza, Russell Earl and John Frazier

ART DIRECTION
“American Gangster” (Universal) Art Direction: Arthur Max; Set Decoration: Beth A. Rubino
“Atonement” (Focus Features) Art Direction: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
“The Golden Compass” (New Line in association with Ingenious Film Partners) Art Direction: Dennis Gassner; Set Decoration: Anna Pinnock
WINNER:”Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” (DreamWorks and Warner Bros., Distributed by DreamWorks/Paramount) Art Direction: Dante Ferretti; Set Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo
“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) Art Direction: Jack Fisk; Set Decoration: Jim Erickson

LIVE-ACTION SHORT FILM
“At Night” A Zentropa Entertainments 10 Production; Christian E. Christiansen and Louise Vesth
“Il Supplente (The Substitute)” (Sky Cinema Italia) A Frame by Frame Italia Production; Andrea Jublin
WINNER:”Le Mozart des Pickpockets (The Mozart of Pickpockets)” (Premium Films) A Karé Production; Philippe Pollet-Villard
“Tanghi Argentini” (Premium Films) An Another Dimension of an Idea Production; Guido Thys and Anja Daelemans
“The Tonto Woman” A Knucklehead, Little Mo and Rose Hackney Barber Production; Daniel Barber and Matthew Brown

ANIMATED SHORT FILM
“I Met the Walrus” A Kids & Explosions Production; Josh Raskin
“Madame Tutli-Putli” (National Film Board of Canada) A National Film Board of Canada Production; Chris Lavis and Maciek Szczerbowski
“Même Les Pigeons Vont au Paradis (Even Pigeons Go to Heaven)” (Premium Films) A BUF Compagnie Production; Samuel Tourneux and Simon Vanesse
“My Love (Moya Lyubov)” (Channel One Russia) A Dago-Film Studio, Channel One Russia and Dentsu Tec Production; Alexander Petrov
WINNER:”Peter & the Wolf” (BreakThru Films) A BreakThru Films/Se-ma-for Studios Production

SOUND EDITING
WINNER: “The Bourne Ultimatum” (Universal) Karen Baker Landers and Per Hallberg
“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) Skip Lievsay
“Ratatouille” (Walt Disney) Randy Thom and Michael Silvers
“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) Matthew Wood
“Transformers” (DreamWorks and Paramount in association with Hasbro) Ethan Van der Ryn and Mike Hopkins

SOUND MIXING
WINNER: “The Bourne Ultimatum” (Universal) Scott Millan, David Parker and Kirk Francis
“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) Skip Lievsay, Craig Berkey, Greg Orloff and Peter Kurland
“Ratatouille” (Walt Disney) Randy Thom, Michael Semanick and Doc Kane
“3:10 to Yuma” (Lionsgate) Paul Massey, David Giammarco and Jim Stuebe
“Transformers” (DreamWorks and Paramount in association with Hasbro) Kevin O’Connell, Greg P. Russell and Peter J. Devlin

FILM EDITING
WINNER: “The Bourne Ultimatum” (Universal) Christopher Rouse
“The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” (Miramax/Pathé Renn) Juliette Welfling
“Into the Wild” (Paramount Vantage and River Road Entertainment) Jay Cassidy
“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) Roderick Jaynes
“There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) Dylan Tichenor

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
“Beaufort” – Israel
WINNER: “The Counterfeiters” – Austria
“Katyn,” – Poland
“Mongol” – Kazakhstan
“12” – Russia

ORIGINAL SONG
WINNER: “Falling Slowly” from “Once” (Fox Searchlight) Music and Lyric by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
“Happy Working Song” from “Enchanted” (Walt Disney) Music by Alan Menken; Lyric by Stephen Schwartz
“Raise It Up” from “August Rush” (Warner Bros.) Nominees to be determined
“So Close” from “Enchanted” (Walt Disney) Music by Alan Menken; Lyric by Stephen Schwartz
“That’s How You Know” from “Enchanted” (Walt Disney) Music by Alan Menken; Lyric by Stephen Schwartz

CINEMATOGRAPHY
“The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” (Warner Bros.) Roger Deakins
“Atonement” (Focus Features) Seamus McGarvey
“The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” (Miramax/Pathé Renn) Janusz Kaminski
“No Country for Old Men” (Miramax and Paramount Vantage) Roger Deakins
WINNER:”There Will Be Blood” (Paramount Vantage and Miramax) Robert Elswit

ORIGINAL SCORE
WINNER: “Atonement” (Focus Features) Dario Marianelli
“The Kite Runner” (DreamWorks, Sidney Kimmel Entertainment and Participant Productions, Distributed by Paramount Classics) Alberto Iglesias
“Michael Clayton” (Warner Bros.) James Newton Howard
“Ratatouille” (Walt Disney) Michael Giacchino
“3:10 to Yuma” (Lionsgate) Marco Beltrami

DOCUMENTARY SHORT
WINNER: “Freeheld” A Lieutenant Films Production; Cynthia Wade and Vanessa Roth
“La Corona (The Crown)” A Runaway Films and Vega Films Production; Amanda Micheli and Isabel Vega
“Salim Baba” A Ropa Vieja Films and Paradox Smoke Production; Tim Sternberg and Francisco Bello
“Sari’s Mother” (Cinema Guild) A Daylight Factory Production; James Longley

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
“No End in Sight” (Magnolia Pictures) A Representational Pictures Production; Charles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs
“Operation Homecoming: Writing the Wartime Experience” (The Documentary Group) A Documentary Group Production; Richard E. Robbins
“Sicko” (Lionsgate and The Weinstein Company) A Dog Eat Dog Films Production; Michael Moore and Meghan O’Hara
WINNER: “Taxi to the Dark Side” (THINKFilm) An X-Ray Production; Alex Gibney and Eva Orner
“War/Dance” (THINKFilm) A Shine Global and Fine Films Production

.

I’m Hot for Teacher – Douchebag Anthem

I was listening to this song on the radio the other day and was tricked. I was tricked by the snazzy bass drum intro into thinking, “Hey, this is pretty cool!” FALSE. The more I listened, the angrier I got. I noticed I was grinding me teeth and my palms were sweating — I realized it wasn’t my wedding night, it was the song. I hate this song because it reminds me of every douche bag I’ve ever EVER dealt with. It’s not the music. The music’s not bad. And it’s not Sammy Hagar. I saw him on Cribs a while back and he seems like a pretty nice guy. The thing that pisses me off are the spoken lyrics they sprinkle like turds in my drink throughout the song. Let’s listen read…

Oh, wow, man, I said
Wait a second, man
What do you think the teacher’s gonna look like this year?

There are the underachievers, sitting with their feet up on the desks. Their ripped up jean shorts showing off half their thighs. Their pastel-colored, stone-washed, button-up shirts over their pastel-colored, stone-washed undershirts. Their greasy beach bum haircuts covered up by their big dumb OU caps. And because they’re inside, in the middle of the afternoon, they’re wearing sunglasses. One guy who fancies himself the joker of the group throws a paper airplane. The teacher walks in. She’s the one they’re all hot for. I mean it says it IN THE TITLE. So I’m guessing she looks good, or as one of these puds might say, she’s a stone fox.

Hey, I heard you missed us
We’re back! (Hey!)
I brought my pencil
Give me something to write on, man!
Whoa

Hey! Whoa! The lyrics read, “I brought my pencil.” But the song makes it sound like, “Ah brawt mah PEN-sooooooooooooool!!1!” This part really makes my sphincter clench because it’s one of those things people yell whenever they’ve opened their mouths without really knowing what was going to come out. A few years ago, I worked at a high school with a bunch of “at-risk” kids. These were kids who needed some extra help getting work done and staying on track in class. What it amounted to was six months of me getting yelled at and made fun of by a bunch of punk gangbangers. One day, these two boys were screwing around and I had to send them back to class. One of them called me a “trick” (I don’t get their words) and the other one, before leaving, didn’t really say anything so much as squealed. It was a high-pitch “aaaaahhh,” and he put his hands up in the air like so…

Cool, right? WRONG!

In these situations, I try and keep a witty retort on hand so the kids won’t think I’ve fallen off the trolley. This time though, I was so befuddled at what I had just seen that I just stood there slack-jawed while these two cholos walked off high-fiving each other. I was speechless. I thought I was in a movie or something. Anyway, the songs over now, right? Ahh sh–

Oh man, I think the clock is slow
(What are you doin’ this weekend?) I don’t feel tardy
Class dismissed!
Ooh-yeah!

Yeah my main man, I didn’t even know I was tardy because I was trolling for tail when the bell rang! Give me some skin! What? Yeah class dismissed! The entire school erupts into some messed up Rock n’ Roll High School orgy. Kids are running through the halls. The teacher is standing there like a big dumb idiot with her glasses crooked and her hair all messed up, and even though this a Van Halen song, the Ramones are there walking through the halls PLAYING THEIR GUITARS WALKING THROUGH THE HALLS. Look the song up on any lyrics site, and you’ll see that the rest is made up mostly of “Ooh yeah!”s and “Woo!”s — or go rent Rock n’ Roll High School. That should help you visualize all of this a little better.

Otters not holding hands.

This is why David Cross is a genius.

Is Flavor Flav the ugliest man ever?

The answer just may surprise you!**

Flavor Flav. Rapper. Star of the 1984 film, Gremlins, and VH1’s cultural train wreck, The Flavor of Love. Lover of large clocks. “The Flav” (to his friends) has to be the ugliest man ever put on television. Remember when your best friend performed at the talent show? He jumped around the stage doing karate and yelling, “Hiyah! Heee-YAH!”, then tripped over the gym mat and everybody started laughing. You knew that he was the pear-shaped loser, but for some reason your ears were burning. It felt like everyone was laughing at you, because you were embarrassed for him. Remember when that happened to me? Well, that’s not the case with Flava. We love every sphincter-clenching minute of screen time they give this crazy-*** *****. Let’s take a look!

Here, in an impressive example of movie magic, is a picture of Flavoure as one of those freaky gremlins. Chris Walas, who worked as a special makeup effects artist on the film said, “We were shooting for a week before we realized he wasn’t wearing any makeup. We’re still not sure how he was able to shoot more of those things out of his back every time he got wet… He really is a goblin, huh?” Hahaha, he sure is.

One of The Flav’s favorite clocks. Where does he get them from? Why is he wearing an Oreo letter-jacket with Nutter Butter and Nilla Wafer patches on it? It’s all part of the Flave’s mystique, and the reason why dozens and dozens of dirty women are willing to go on national television to get just five minutes in a jacuzzi with this shriveled-up male specimen – who, without a shirt on, looks surprisingly like a strip of beef jerky. Mmm, I can just imagine those hickory-smoked juices in my mouth right now. And so can dozens and dozens of dirty women.

This last picture needs no explaining. Of course, the smart Gremlin who wore a suit and glasses and sang show tunes made the movie for me.

No amount of editorializing is needed to conclude that, yes, The Flav (I can call him that because I’m his friend) is in fact, the ugliest man ever. And, you know, maybe that’s why haters wanna hate. Because we’re all ugly too, but not nearly as popular. The third season of Flavor of Love starts in January. Set your TiVo’s everyone!

**Answer will not surprise you.